For those of you who are not from the Pittsburgh area, these
are the rules that most people follow while driving in Southwestern PA
1.
A
right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut
in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the
same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange
construction barrels.
2.
Turn
signals will give away your next move. A real Pittsburgh driver never uses
them. Use of them on the Parkway may be illegal. Cadillacs don't even come with
them.
3.
Under
no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in
front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an
even more dangerous situation.
4.
Crossing
two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the
flow."
5.
The
faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of
getting hit.
6.
Never
get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
7.
Braking
is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in,
giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of
you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
8.
Construction
signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit
before the backup.
9.
Electronic
traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are
only there to make Pittsburgh look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing
the state police radar car parked on the median.
10.
Never
drive on the right when you can drive on the left.
11.
Never
pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
12.
Speed
limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not
enforceable during rush hour.
13.
Just
because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over
doesn't mean that a Pittsburgh driver flashing his high beams behind you
doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
14.
Always
slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just
changing a tire.
15.
Throwing
litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews
something to clean up.
16.
It is
assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the
event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work.
17.
Learn
to swerve abruptly. Pittsburgh is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks
to potholes.
18.
It is
traditional in Pittsburgh to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant
the light changes.
19.
Never
take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
In Pittsburgh it is common to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
20.
Remember
that the goal of every Pittsburgh driver is to get there first, by whatever
means necessary.
21.
Real
Pittsburgh drivers know that weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural
selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
22.
Of
course we can't forget, but all must slow down when approaching a tunnel. When
we go in, are we actually going to get out?
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Created April 23, 2002